"Yeah" is the answer I most often come out with, even if I'm not. I don't wanna burden other people with my own problem, they're mine to deal with. I don't wanna make them feel that they are to blame which would result in them being put in a bad mood.
Another family outing yesterday and I felt that every time I was trying to speak I was being pushed aside, as if nobody wanted my opinion, or insight. It just got to the point where I just shut up for the most part. "Are you okay?" I was asked. "Yeah, I'm just tired." What people don't realise is that I am tired. Not form sleep, but of everything that's gone on so far. Yes it's cryptic, but it's the truth in a sense. I'm tired of not being smart enough to carry a conversation. I'm tired of not being interesting enough to listen to. I'm tired of having no presence in a room whatsoever. I'm tired of me.
I get people taking the piss at work, and they can see I don't wanna hear it but the carry on anyway. "Just ignore them and they'll stop." I used to get told. It never did work at school, why do I still try it now? I know they're just having a laugh, but I hate it when my words get twisted against me. I hate being the centre of attention for all the wrong reasons. I'm not something to be laughed at, yet they all laugh at me. The amount of times I've just wanted to go to the managers, rip my name badge from my shirt and throw it at them scares me a little. It seems all people have ever wanted to do is tear me down, and piece by piece they have. And they've been doing it for so long it just seems daily routine for most.
I have good days and bad days... I guess when I'm with family I tend to have more bad than good. I don't know why. Maybe they expect me to be normal. Maybe they don't realise I feel this way about things. Maybe they don't realise that I'm affected by these things more than others. Maybe I don't expect them to shoot me down they way they do. Maybe I should just grow up and start acting my age instead of being so whiny.
And that's why I don't like sharing my feeling with everyone else. When I hear/read how I feel I think, "Gods, just shut up and get over it you pathetic little fuck! There are people out there with worse problems than you and you're being such a whiny little bitch about something so insignificant. Get over yourself."
And that's when my mood drops even more, to the point of just hating myself for feeling. Sometimes I just wish I could be apathetic towards everything. Maybe I'd feel better that way.
