You know that feeling when you suddenly realise there's a lot about yourself you just don't like? I've been getting it a lot recently, whether it's at work or at home it still gets to me.
I know straight up I'm not the smartest person ever, in fact a lot of people probably know that even though they seem to think I know better a lot of the time and assume I'm smart. I'm not - fact. I know a few smart things that I've learned from a few friends and stuff I've picked up on the way but that's it. Things that come naturally to some people don't with me. People pick up on things that I naturally miss. I have practically no wit so I'm a terrible conversationalist (I stutter, stumble and pause awkwardly while I'm trying to think of the right word) and I've pretty much no common sense (I do things that I never really seem to think through at the time, and it never occurs to me that they could go horribly wrong like they do). But can I relate this to why people seem to always inadvertently put me down? It doesn't help when people of 'authority' tend to take advantage of their situation and seem to go out of their way to remind me of my stupidity - and yes I'm talking about the people I 'work' for (naming nobody in particular). It's like they get some kind of kick about making me guess about things they think I should know but have no chance of knowing and then lecturing me - treading my self-esteem further into the dirt.
Another thing is that I believe I must seem rather insignificant to other people. I talk and they talk over me as if what I have to add to the conversation is just unimportant. Being too nice and letting them talk doesn't really help with that though as I just clam-up and stay quiet for a while as they obviously don't wanna hear what I have to say. I've tried talking to someone about this and they reacted by saying that I was pretty much arrogant by telling them that when I speak they should shut up and listen. That's not the case at all - I just wanna be acknowledged from time to time. I'm not sure what it is but a lot of people do it, and it's really starting to get to me. Do I just have no physical presence? Do I seem that weak-willed that people take advantage of me when they need me and shrug me off when they don't? Who knows? All I know is that it's getting ridiculous now that I've noticed that more and more people are doing it.
I have a few anger issues. Lately people can piss me off just by saying or doing the smallest things. For example, when at work and I have a customer handing over change. If they actually hand it to me I'm fine but if they get everything out of their purse/wallet, place it on the counter and slide it halfway across and then look at me as if to say, "pick it up then!", THAT'LL annoy me to the point of wanting to pick it up like they want... and then shove it down their throat. Even something as simple as that can send me over the edge. Although saying that, I could just say that anything the general public does pisses me off in general. There's so much ignorance and arrogance between them and I've had that many of them treat me like shit for no good reason other than they can! What's scaring me though is the fact that with certain people, I just have to look at them and I want to hit them, even if they're not really doing anything wrong at the time. Speaking of hitting things, another thing that's scaring me is the fact that I tend want to damage myself whenever I get down or pissed off. Nothing major like drawing blood but general hitting my head against a wall or just generally hitting it (both the wall and my head). I would never hurt someone who didn't well-and-truly deserve it though. I'm not a violent guy - the pain just helps me take my mind off the things that get me down and helps me focus on what's at hand. Sounds bad, I know but if anything I think I just need to get myself tested. Either that or just out of this job as it's not helping.
I do however have a few people helping me along. For the sake of not really having their permission to write their full names on here, they shall be nicknamed 'Jekyll' and 'Squidgy'. You know who you are and you should already know how awesome you are! ;)
