"Are you okay?"

"Yeah" is the answer I most often come out with, even if I'm not. I don't wanna burden other people with my own problem, they're mine to deal with. I don't wanna make them feel that they are to blame which would result in them being put in a bad mood.

Another family outing yesterday and I felt that every time I was trying to speak I was being pushed aside, as if nobody wanted my opinion, or insight. It just got to the point where I just shut up for the most part. "Are you okay?" I was asked. "Yeah, I'm just tired." What people don't realise is that I am tired. Not form sleep, but of everything that's gone on so far. Yes it's cryptic, but it's the truth in a sense. I'm tired of not being smart enough to carry a conversation. I'm tired of not being interesting enough to listen to. I'm tired of having no presence in a room whatsoever. I'm tired of me.

I get people taking the piss at work, and they can see I don't wanna hear it but the carry on anyway. "Just ignore them and they'll stop." I used to get told. It never did work at school, why do I still try it now? I know they're just having a laugh, but I hate it when my words get twisted against me. I hate being the centre of attention for all the wrong reasons. I'm not something to be laughed at, yet they all laugh at me. The amount of times I've just wanted to go to the managers, rip my name badge from my shirt and throw it at them scares me a little. It seems all people have ever wanted to do is tear me down, and piece by piece they have. And they've been doing it for so long it just seems daily routine for most.

I have good days and bad days... I guess when I'm with family I tend to have more bad than good. I don't know why. Maybe they expect me to be normal. Maybe they don't realise I feel this way about things. Maybe they don't realise that I'm affected by these things more than others. Maybe I don't expect them to shoot me down they way they do. Maybe I should just grow up and start acting my age instead of being so whiny.

And that's why I don't like sharing my feeling with everyone else. When I hear/read how I feel I think, "Gods, just shut up and get over it you pathetic little fuck! There are people out there with worse problems than you and you're being such a whiny little bitch about something so insignificant. Get over yourself."

And that's when my mood drops even more, to the point of just hating myself for feeling. Sometimes I just wish I could be apathetic towards everything. Maybe I'd feel better that way.

Invisible

A lot of the time these days, I feel, I spend most of my time getting out of everyone else's way. Be it in a metaphorical or physical sense. I know I don't have much of a physical presence nor do I look that intimidating, but why is it that when walking down a path is it always me that has to move out of the way for other people? It's starting to make me feel like people can see that I don't have much confidence about myself and are taking advantage of it by literally shoving me to one side. I feel invisible. Like I'm not worth noticing.

People are still talking over me when I'm trying to speak to someone and it throws the conversation straight off, so once again I just end up shutting up and i just keep to myself. And people wonder why I'm the quiet type and don't want to mingle much.

I've had a good few more experiences of trying to help people out and ending up making the situation worse, or just getting balled at for it. And every time it happens I feel lower than dirt. I feel like I've done them wrong and they probably feel that it was deliberate, or it's just me being stupid again - and let's face it they've got good reason to think that. I'm not exactly the sharpest light-bulb in the picnic... and I feel like I'm as broken as that metaphor.

Another vague, self-pitying rant but it helps a little.

Whine... whine... wine? Yes please! ...why the hell are you giving me a glass? JUST GIVE ME THE BOTTLE!!!

You know that feeling when you suddenly realise there's a lot about yourself you just don't like? I've been getting it a lot recently, whether it's at work or at home it still gets to me.

 I know straight up I'm not the smartest person ever, in fact a lot of people probably know that even though they seem to think I know better a lot of the time and assume I'm smart. I'm not - fact. I know a few smart things that I've learned from a few friends and stuff I've picked up on the way but that's it. Things that come naturally to some people don't with me. People pick up on things that I naturally miss. I have practically no wit so I'm a terrible conversationalist (I stutter, stumble and pause awkwardly while I'm trying to think of the right word) and I've pretty much no common sense (I do things that I never really seem to think through at the time, and it never occurs to me that they could go horribly wrong like they do). But can I relate this to why people seem to always inadvertently put me down? It doesn't help when people of 'authority' tend to take advantage of their situation and seem to go out of their way to remind me of my stupidity - and yes I'm talking about the people I 'work' for (naming nobody in particular). It's like they get some kind of kick about making me guess about things they think I should know but have no chance of knowing and then lecturing me - treading my self-esteem further into the dirt.

 Another thing is that I believe I must seem rather insignificant to other people. I talk and they talk over me as if what I have to add to the conversation is just unimportant. Being too nice and letting them talk doesn't really help with that though as I just clam-up and stay quiet for a while as they obviously don't wanna hear what I have to say. I've tried talking to someone about this and they reacted by saying that I was pretty much arrogant by telling them that when I speak they should shut up and listen. That's not the case at all - I just wanna be acknowledged from time to time. I'm not sure what it is but a lot of people do it, and it's really starting to get to me. Do I just have no physical presence? Do I seem that weak-willed that people take advantage of me when they need me and shrug me off when they don't? Who knows? All I know is that it's getting ridiculous now that I've noticed that more and more people are doing it.

I have a few anger issues. Lately people can piss me off just by saying or doing the smallest things. For example, when at work and I have a customer handing over change. If they actually hand it to me I'm fine but if they get everything out of their purse/wallet, place it on the counter and slide it halfway across and then look at me as if to say, "pick it up then!", THAT'LL annoy me to the point of wanting to pick it up like they want... and then shove it down their throat. Even something as simple as that can send me over the edge. Although saying that, I could just say that anything the general public does pisses me off in general. There's so much ignorance and arrogance between them and I've had that many of them treat me like shit for no good reason other than they can! What's scaring me though is the fact that with certain people, I just have to look at them and I want to hit them, even if they're not really doing anything wrong at the time. Speaking of hitting things, another thing that's scaring me is the fact that I tend want to damage myself whenever I get down or pissed off. Nothing major like drawing blood but general hitting my head against a wall or just generally hitting it (both the wall and my head). I would never hurt someone who didn't well-and-truly deserve it though. I'm not a violent guy - the pain just helps me take my mind off the things that get me down and helps me focus on what's at hand. Sounds bad, I know but if anything I think I just need to get myself tested. Either that or just out of this job as it's not helping.

 I do however have a few people helping me along. For the sake of not really having their permission to write their full names on here, they shall be nicknamed 'Jekyll' and 'Squidgy'. You know who you are and you should already know how awesome you are! ;)

Me, Myself and I... plus other things.

I'll take this moment to clarify myself to whomever may be reading.

hmmm... where to start... 

I'm using this blog as a way of letting my feelings out, which is something I've always hated doing. I mean, who cares, right? Who cares if some guy is being all whiny and complaining that his life is so hard? I'll admit straight up that a good number of other people have a had a harder time than I in this life, but I feel a way to help myself realise this is by ranting and getting it all down out of my system.

I tend to have 'mild' mood swings (ranging from 'maddeningly happy' to 'bordering on depression') depending on how my day goes so if the posts on here seem a little bit disjointed in theme then that could be the reason. Work tends to get me down a lot so a good bit of this will be rants about that.

Although not all of it will be ranting. I will put the highlights of my life as well and will never bore any of my readers with my daily routine in intricate details (Rebecca Black style... Gods, what was she thinking...?) I'll just stick to the main points and stories of what I'd like to put out there.

That said, I believe one more post tonight should do it... I'm thinking something creative... Might create a separate section for stuff like that...

Hmmm...

Square One

These pages are for all who want to know about me, or those just curious. I'll post some varied stuff in here ranging from simple notes to full blown rants to creative writing.

I'll say from here: if you find me whiny, depressing, or just all-round annoying then I ask you to simply read something more suited to your tastes.